So I've come to realize that I have been really, really surprised about one thing when it comes to adoption. And that is the fact that I'm always waiting for the shoe to drop. We were told that we may experience a lot of problems. Things like inconsolable crying, constant waking at night, problems with attachment, etc. We have not experienced anything like this. He's our easiest kid yet. He cries when he's hungry or tired and then he goes to sleep. He is smart. He engages us eye to eye. At 7 months, he is almost crawling and says Mama and Dada. He is constantly smiling or cooing.
I held our sweet baby tonight and am frankly amazed that I didn't give birth to him. I love him no differently than our girls. I feel that biological closeness that parents feel with their children. I had an odd moment the other day, almost surprised that we didn't look alike. We've had people comment that he just looks like he belongs with us. Meris commented the other day "Mom, you and Dad picked a good one, we really scored didn't we?". For the record, we did not do the picking, we believe he was divinely placed into our family.
So this is what I can't get over. I'm waiting for it all to go to crap. I look at him and I would say there is a distinct fear that it's all going to go bad. He's going to start acting out. He's going to stop sleeping and scream all the time. He's going to reject me. The truth is that it CAN change. But the problem with this line of fear or thinking is that I can spend the next 40 years thinking this way. When will he finally be angry that he was adopted by a Caucasian family? When will he be embarrassed as a teenager that I am somewhat clueless to what a African-American teenage boy really needs? And the thing that really makes me feel pathetic is that I don't do this to my girls. If my girls are driving me crazy, I automatically chalk it up to a stage or a moment. I don't burden them or myself with this fear. Don't get me wrong, I don't stay up at night thinking about this(I fall asleep way too fast for that!). But I would say that it's just this itch that keeps scratching my brain and it won't go away. I don't want to raise this beautiful gift from God while feeling this sense of anxiety. It's not fair to either of us.
I would love to know if anyone out there in adoption land has felt the same and what they did about it.
15 comments:
Sweetie the other shoe does NOT have to drop. EACH child bio or otherwise is different. Your handsome baby boy may just be super easy going and truly HAPPY. No catch :) some kids/babies do have setbacks. My Isabella was so easy going and all smiles all day long. BUT for 3 weeks when we came home she would wake every hr (no joke) and scream,pinch and just be grieving. It was sooooooooo hard. I loved her and held her and it passed. Now she is 2 1/2 and she is ALL my baby. no looking back and no worries. You guys are all new together. Before you know it you wont even expect people in the stores to notice you have a tranracial family, and you will be surprised when they do! It will all jsut be old hat to you. You love your baby, so worrying is natural. I bet you he will continue to just be a happy baby and a happy kiddo :) hugs Mama!
Hugs! I don't know yet. But I already feel anxiety. (:
You'll figure it out as you go. It is okay to be happy and enjoy your son and celebrate your adoption too.
obviously i have no insight for you since i haven't been there, but i want to thank you for your honesty.
Thanks for your wonderful thoughts. I hear all of your anxieties and fears and God is taking me on a journey through this as well. I'll email you later today and I'd love to "chat." Lots to process, and it's all so good, but hard too. God has brought our families together so perfectly, but he has a lot to teach us too. Glory be to him for his faithfulness in all of this!!
Merris is right- you did score! Elias is full of brightness and love.
For us, the shoe never dropped, but Mia did turn two. I guess there's no way around that!
And someday she will become a tween and a teen and freak out on us, like all kids. By then, I hope to have a solid support group for her of kids and adults that can truly relate to what she is experiencing. I can only hope that we will remain in touch and Mia and Elias can vent, rant, or "whatever...." with each other.
I think your worries are evidence of responsible, thoughtful parenting. Geez, Jana you're always so serious (sarcasm).
Lots of love,
We missed you on Wednesday,
Kim
hey jana its sarah weathersby:) I am touched by your honesty in this blog. I am not in the same position as you but in some respect i can relate...all your fears about racial identity and outside ignorance are valid, but i assure you sooner than later you will not feel the "vibe" of other people trying to figure out your family...i have had people walk up to shailey in the park and ask "weres your mom" and continue to tell my daughter i cant be her mom becasue Im "white". there are many other stories including dating my husband were things have happened that made me feel sad...but there is something really beautiful about being a mixed family, sha doesn't look like me or james...she is different than both of us in our experiences and how the world views us, but what is more important than being the same is empathy...the world wants to divide us all but just remember your son is your son and yes it is wise for you to study his heritage and make it a part of his life but it is not all that he is (as american culture will sometimes stereotype)...you love him and that is more important than the obstacle you will face as a mixed family...i have learned with shailey that if i make a big deal about negative things so will she, so I build her up and let her know who she is and that is the best way i can prepare her for this world...dont buy into the lie that your not equipped to raise an african american male, its not rocket science LOL you love him, he knows it he always will and those are the threads that hold a family together...your a strong woman you are more than able for this beautiful task! and if you ever need to talk to someone who gets it call me:) 712-5014
What's this - worry?
Stop the worry, do the birds worry about their next meal (ok, I didn't write that but I live by it!!!) I am a worrier and my son said my worry-meter was overactive when he was in HS. That taught me that I was missing the good stuff b/c I was busy - waiting for the shoe to drop! Maybe it won't drop and if it does, you've got a network to catch it!
Peace and Love to you and yours!
-from the other Maria
I HEAR YOU!! With our daughter we have experienced some rough patches at night, but its hard to differentiate between adoptive stuff and regular kid stuff. But during the day she is happy, she chases mommy and dada, she loves on both of us. She lovingly looks us in the eye, gives us kisses and "asks" for snuggles. It feels like she is attaching...BUT I can't help but wonder - is she REALLY attaching? Or am I believing in insta-attachment because I want it to be true? I actually wrote a part of a post about this (Farts are Ageless and Other Parenting Updates - at the very end). I hope for both of us that we can learn how to be responsible adoptive parents and yet not over-react to their adoptive/normal kids needs. I will pray for wisdom for us. And even though I also sleep at night, I do feel the semi-constant itch of nagging worry. And that is not what God wants for us: cast all your cares on Him (and I'll try too) =D.
I HEAR YOU!! With our daughter we have experienced some rough patches at night, but its hard to differentiate between adoptive stuff and regular kid stuff. But during the day she is happy, she chases mommy and dada, she loves on both of us. She lovingly looks us in the eye, gives us kisses and "asks" for snuggles. It feels like she is attaching...BUT I can't help but wonder - is she REALLY attaching? Or am I believing in insta-attachment because I want it to be true? I actually wrote a part of a post about this (Farts are Ageless and Other Parenting Updates - at the very end). I hope for both of us that we can learn how to be responsible adoptive parents and yet not over-react to their adoptive/normal kids needs. I will pray for wisdom for us. And even though I also sleep at night, I do feel the semi-constant itch of nagging worry. And that is not what God wants for us: cast all your cares on Him (and I'll try too) =D.
Princessa was also a very easy baby. Now toddlerhood has been a different story! =) You hit the nail on the head though. I know I have those same worries about when she grows older. I totally agree-it doesn't matter where they came from-they are completely yours!
Well, first, I say YAY that he is such a great baby. what a blessing!! I do think it helps SO much with bonding (whether a bio or adopted child) when the baby is *easy*. You know??
Second, I confess my jealousy, because I wish I had an easy baby. [sigh]
Third, in all reality, the shoe can drop with any of our children--they can be doing just dandy and take a turn. I don't think this is necessarily a worry that I equate with adoption. You've been bracing yourself for all those attachment issues, and by not coming, I'm sure its a little surreal. What am I missing? Can it really be THIS good?! And I say, WAHOO!! I'm SOOOO glad that it is!! YAY!! Thank you Jesus!!
my bio third child (our 1st baby boy) was and still is the hardest thing we have...We figure adopting Lucy Lane will have to be easier than his personality he was born with...He's beautiful and sweet and loving, but VERY moody and sensitive and cries at the drop of a hat....from day one, i promise. Your baby, like my other 3, is probably just layed back...He's not going to change...but of course, I haven't adopted before :) What do i know?? ha. kj
Hi Jana;
I think your heart is in the perfect place to have God remove your fear and to replace it with His perfect peace.
Life IS full of unsurety, but thankfully our God is steadfast, faithful and true. Wherever He calls us, He enables us. So it is no surprise to Him that you are a white girl raising a beautiful black Ethiopian son. (later, or now) When you need wisdom, just ask Him for it...He gives it freely when we come to Him. ;-) Enjoy today, don't worry about tomorrow...He's got you covered sweet Jana.
I love your heart and am blessed by your transparency. I know Jesus loves it too.
Hug;
Kimmie
mama to 7
one homemade and 6 adopted
Jana,
everything you are feeling is so normal. I remember feeling really overwhelmed one day with my son and I thought "would I not feel overwhelmed if I had given birth to him?". One quick call to a girlfriend set me straight. I still will struggle with it every now and again, but he is almost 6 now (in about 10 days) and I rarely even remember he is adopted..today I told someone that he sleeps like a log he must have got that from my sisiter:o) then I think about it and laugh. I have waited for the shoe to drop in regards to him wanting to meet his birth mother or say "your not my real mom". but so far he has no interest in anyone but US!!! And I doubt he ever will (he is just that kind of a kid).
love to see you guys!
Jen
Oh my goodness, I really could have written this post. We have had a similiar experience with our daughter. We were expecting the worst-- and got the best! She attached to us right away and continues to do wonderfully.
About race and other issues, I have thought a lot, too. I think we just have to do the best, be open about differences, and love our children. You're right-- they are our gifts and deserve the best we have.
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